G.I. Joe: A Real Awful Movie!

The comic is taking a while. It's the most Photoshop-intensive one yet. I was busy this week, so I'll have it up some time tomorrow.

In the meantime, here're my opinions on what they're passing off as a G.I. Joe movie.

Have you ever had to listen to someone speak of something they know nothing about? Or had to listen to someone explain something they know nothing about to other people? If you answered "no," your answer will change if you are unfortunate enough to end up at a screening of G.I. Joke: The Return of Sigma 6.

The movie takes place in the "not-so-distant future." What does that mean? To put it simply, it means that they can introduce crap that neither makes sense nor is plausible in the Joe-verse for the sake of it: things like "pulse" energy weapons, active camo pyjamas, solid hologram projectors, vehicles/weapons/armour that belong in a bad sci-fi B-movie, and, of course, the "nanomites." This is the sort of crap you'd expect from that godawful '80s GI. Joe cartoon, which is even worse than this Hollywood attempt at G.I. Joe.

If you asked, "What are 'nanomites'?" I'll be more than glad to answer your question. In this generic action movie, "nanomites" are tiny little robots that can pretty much do anything because of the lazy writing. These silver plot-devices somehow turn green and can be used as weapon and/or medicine and/or brain controlling device. Open palm, insert face.

Haven't you heard? This is the TECHNOFUTURE where crap doesn't have to make sense!

And what terrible Hollywood movie would be complete without unlikeable characters? First, there's "Duke," who looks and sounds even more like a douchebag than the Duke we already know and loathe. His black comic-relief sidekick is a Wayans brother. I don't think I need to say anthing else.

But I will. There is little to no characterization for most of the important characters, besides for the occasional "oh gnoes, I has emotions" moments. There is not much to say about the acting, since there's hardly are there. I have literally "seen better actin' in fast-actin' Tenactin."

The characters are very underdeveloped. You meet them, they fight, stuff blows up, hurray. But you know nothing about them, and honestly, you don't have any reason to care about them. "Okay, she has a crossbow. That guy talks funny. That guy doesn't talk. Hurm. Is that it?" And as for the characters that DO have backstories which they bother to reveal, whoo boy. All of the storytelling is done by flashbacks which either feel very over-the-top and excessively dramatic, or not serious at all. So kids fight, and some douchebags want to get married. Who cares?

And speaking of the characters, the writers really went out of their way to make it feel like a soap opera. It seems like every character somehow knows each other from something they did in the distant past -- CUE FLASHBACK SEQUENCE!

The characters have been "internationalized." Rather than Fort Wadsworth's motor pool housing America's finest, this new international Pit has people from all over the world. G.I. Joe is once again Action Force, this time an Action Force made by the combined power of multiple governments. Probably easier to market the flick internationally this way.

Yet, despite the "internationalization" of the characters, the one they mess up the worse is the one best known for BEING from a foreign land. How ironic that this new reimagined Baroness is simply some American broad with badly dyed hair. That's it. No accent. Just some random white girl in a slutty costume. Hooray for plot devices. Way to go, Hollywood! Other characters just look really, really stupid - take for example "The Doctor" or the "Vipers" with ugly helmets with huge eyes and metal grins. These characters look like badly-designed comic-book villains. Unfortunately, the comic book they're from is NOT G.I. Joe.

Despite the movie taking place in the "not-so-distant future," the civilian ground vehicles are from the present day. Wait, what? How can there be airships and VTOL carriers out of Star Trek or Ghost In The Shell, but the ground vehicles remain the same? Did the governments of the world decide to ban new cars and instead invest that money into developing shuttlecrafts and bizarre submarines? Nah, it's just product placement. They can call it a "Steel Crusher APV" if they want, but it's just a lame-ass Hummer.

And speaking of "not-so-distant future," let's briefly talk about the Joes' equipment, shall we? Crossbows with self-navigating shells? Arm-mounted hologram projectors? Fancy suits of mechanical armour? What the crap? Does G.I. Joe buy gear from Stark Industries? If not, Tony should sue them for blatantly ripping off his armour. That shot of the ankles sealing up was more than just an "homage."

Honestly, though, "Delta-6 Accelerator Suit"? Come the hell on. Here I was thinking S.N.A.K.E. Armour was lame, and then they pull THIS out of their ass. Of all of the Joe eras to include in the flick, Sigma 6? WHY? If you don't believe that they intentionally tipped their hats to Sigma 6, stay 'til the end of the movie. If you can.

Like most recent generic Hollywood action flicks, this one features gimmickry such as shakycam, too much slow-motion, and plenty of sparks/explosions to get in the way of seeing whatever is supposed to be on the screen. The fight scenes aren't that entertaining and the chase scenes aren't much better. Stuff's moving, camera's shaking, can't see what's happening, some sort of explosion, a flip or two, some slow-motion, repeat. Again. And again. And again. Truly groundbreaking filmmaking.

There is some good among this sea of mediocrity. Dr. Who plays Destro and they did a good job with his character. They also explained a bit about one of his ancestors in what was probably the best scene of the movie - not that that's saying much. The new take on Zartan is fantastic. Much more plausible than the shape-shifting hologram-using ab-revealing Aussie biker gang leader.

There are several references which older Joe fans will pick up on. Don't be fooled by a few lines, an alternate costume, something to chew on, or a red helmet. Just because you might have chuckled at a line doesn't mean you didn't facepalm a few scenes back, and in no way begins to make up for the flick's numerous flaws.

The story is terrible, the acting is just awful, the music is generic, the gags aren't funny, the action is uninteresting, and the plot twists are foreseeable. Do yourself a favour - buy some Joe comics or a figure instead.

COMIC - File #50: "Ages 25 & Up Yearbook"

Special Thanks to everyone who reads the comic, as I wouldn't have made it to this 50th issue without your support.

If you want to read any of the previous comics but can't find the one you're looking for, try using the new Archive Browser, which is sure to help. Just click on the link on the left sidebar.

So let's get to it: File #50, the first Ages 25 & Up Yearbook! Enjoy!


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The Archive Browser is Now Online!

Now there's finally a way to browse through the comics! On the left of the page, click on the Archive Browser. All of the comics are at your fingertips!



If you notice anything unusual, like links linking to the wrong page, let me know and I'll fix them as soon as I can.

Enjoy, and thanks for reading! Issue #50 goes up on Saturday.

COMIC - File #49: "Up Real F#$%ing Late with Fred XLII"

I hope this one doesn't sound too 'toot-your-own-horn'-ish. Hope you enjoy it!
Fred XLII's wardrobe provided by Rocab Family Tailors.

After reading the comic, click here to view its Archive entry.  [OUTDATED; NOSTALGIC USE ONLY]

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Q & Ages 25 & Up #7

A message from HISStank.com member Monkeywrench:

"It's time for the July Q & A!

For this months Q & A, I’ve decided to go back to the roots of our monthly session. The reason for this is simple. There has been a popular topic among many of your readers in the last few months. I thought it would be for your readers best interest to get the questions answered concerning this topic. The topic I’m referring to is the Ages 25th & Up Trade Paperback!"

Monkeywrench:
There have been talks in the last few months about a possible TPB of “Ages 25th & Up”. Is a TPB in the works?

1337W422102:
You guys asked for one, and I'd love to offer you one. The thing is, I don't want to make it half-assed. If you guys are going to pay for one, I want to make it worth your while. I mean, I want to make it something more than just a stack of print-outs stapled together, you know?

I'd like it to feature double-sized pages bound like a book, but if that's not possible due to costs, it might have to be single-sided pages spiral-bound... I hope that would be suitable for you guys. I want to offer you the best I can at a price that doesn't make it seem like I'm trying to rip you off.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I don't want it to just be a printed version of the comic. Any ol' sap with an inkjet could do that. The comics each need to be cut up and resized to be able to be printed well. Just look at something like the Plastic Gear comics [File PGS-107 holds the record of being the longest comic to date]. They're very long; no way in hell that would fit on a page!

I would have to go back to my original Photoshop documents and split up the comics into printable sizes. Depending on the comic, this might involve moving stuff around. Wouldn't want to cut off some panels or talk-bubbles!

On top of that, I want the book to have more than just the comics. I'd like if each comic could be prefaced by its entry from the upcoming Comic Archive Browser page [I'm still working on it!] with a short blurb and a list of characters in the issue. As well as stuff like an introduction, special thanks, and other stuff I'll mention later.


Monkeywrench:
If a TPB is made, how will it be set up? For example, would the 1st edition be the first 20 or 30 comics? Or would it be a collection of arcs like Breaker’s, Willow’s and PGS? Or would it be a “Best Of”?

1337W422102:
I'd like to do them chronologically, starting with the first comic and going until the end of an arc. I don't know the exact length yet, as that will be determined by the cost of printing the pages.


Monkeywrench:
If a TPB is made, will there be special features, such as the awesome sig posters that you have made for some of the story arcs? The Beard Force and Army of Plastic ones come to mind right away.

I think it would be awesome to have full page “advertisements” using your old sigs.

1337W422102:
I agree. Just the comics wouldn't be fun enough! I'd include things like the sigs, the posters for Army of Plastic and Beard Force. And after you guys see what I'm planning for the August 1st comic, you might want that stuff too!


Monkeywrench:
If a TPB is made, will the Q & As be included? I think it would be a cool edition to the TPB.

1337W422102:
Absolutely! The Q&As are one of my favourite parts of doing the comic. I love being able to interact with readers. Once I put up the Comic Archive Browser on the A25U blog, I'm going to make a Q&A Archive Browser, too. So yes, they'd find their way into the book.


Monkeywrench:
What can us readers do to help you get this project going?

1337W422102:
Right now, all I can ask you guys to do is stay interested and please, please be patient. I need to find out about the costs before I can promise anything. Then, I'll have to format all of the content to be printed, and make the new stuff for the book. After that, I'll have to work out how much it would cost to have the books made, how many of you want them, and how I'd go about shipping them to you and receiving your payments.

This will require a lot of work and time, but I will do what I can. I'd love to offer you guys a hardcover trade of the first year's worth of comics, printed double-sided on glossy photo paper, each book shipping with an exclusive figure, but unfortunately, I can't. If the best I can do is 20 comics printed single-sided and spiral-bound, I hope you guys can understand.

Thanks again for all the support and interest you've shown!

Monkeywrench closed the Q&A session with a threat, or a promise: "Next month I ask the long time readers to contribute again." Bring 'em on!

The new comic will be up by Saturday. See ya then.

COMIC - "Army of Plastic," Chapter 5: Hail to the King

Cobra has begun their invasion of the GAMP Province! How can the Green Army Men of Plastic possibly survive against the fearsome Cobra Enemy?

After reading the comic, click here to view its Archive entry.  [OUTDATED; NOSTALGIC USE ONLY]

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COMIC - "Army of Plastic," Chapter 4: Cobra Barada Nikto

Last time, Flint rescued Lady Jaye and she managed to prevent the Cobra invasion of the GAMP Province. Time for them to go home victorious!

After reading the comic, click here to view its Archive entry.  [OUTDATED; NOSTALGIC USE ONLY]

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"Army of Plastic" poster

Because you guys asked for it, here's the Army of Plastic poster that I've resized to use as a message board signature.

Enjoy! Click on it to view the full size.

COMIC - "Army of Plastic," Chapter 3: Dread By Dawn

After narrowly avoiding Judgment at the hands of the GAMPs (the Green Army Men of Plastic), Flint sets out to find Lady Jaye, who was captured by the Dreadnoks.

After reading the comic, click here to view its Archive entry.  [OUTDATED; NOSTALGIC USE ONLY]

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Happy Canada Day, Hosers!

To all you Canucks out there, Happy Canada Day!

I tried, as I do every year, to watch the CBC's live broadcast of the festivities from Parliament Hill. I never manage to watch the whole thing.

This year's show started a bit late (big surprise) and started off as it usually does: National Anthem and BS speeches. It was clear that Steven Harper, Canada's so-called Prime Minister, didn't want to be there (big surprise).

After the usual ethnic opening number, they had Sarah McLachlan perform "Building a Mystery," which was great. Only, they had her alone on stage with her guitar. They couldn't get her any background singers? A drummer? Some additional guitarists or a bassist? For Sarah McLachlan? On Canada Day?

It just seemed so cheap, so last-minute. Disrespectful, even, to Sarah, to the all the people who gathered upon Parliament Hill, and (sure, why not) to Canada. When the camera zoomed out, all you saw was a massive empty stage with one person on it. Now I know that she doesn't need anyone else on stage to make great music, but it really would have been nicer had the spectacle been more elaborate and grandiose. It is Canada Day, after all. I mean, last night I went to the opening concert of the Montreal Jazz Festival: a free outdoor concert with Stevie Wonder. The Montreal Jazz Fest is a staple of the city's summer, happening every year for 30 years. But it's not a giant celebration of our country at its capital, it's just some fun downtown for a few days. But did they just toss Stevie on stage by himself with an instrument? (Then again, Stevie drew a larger crowd than Canada Day ever does.) The Ottawa stage has drums, a piano, and other instruments there and people to play them. It would have said a lot more about Canada if, while Sarah was singing and playing her guitar, she was accompanied by, say, a fiddler from the Maritimes, a pianist from the West Coast, some background singers from the Prairies, and a bassist from Quebec. I'm just saying.

After her performance, there was a male pole dancer, and some weird Quebec crap (this is coming from a Quebecer, mind you), followed by some more weird Quebec crap. I then left. When I came back, it seemed like some random people from the audience found their way on stage and had begun singing.

Needless to say, the TV soon turned off and I went back to shooting a comic.

I'll try again next year.

Anyway, I hope you follow hosers can get out there and enjoy the day, eh? It's looking like a beauty so far.

Long Live The Great White North!